鑽石舞台

Greetings, Earthling.

你好，地球人。

Aliens!

外星人！

I knew the History Channel wouldn't lie to us.

我就知道歷史頻道說的都是對的！

Wait a minute.

等一下。

You can talk?

你能說話？

Uh, yeah.

呃，當然啊。

We've been studying you for the past six weeks.

過去六周，我們一直在觀察你。

And you haven't said a word.

你一句話都沒說過啊！

We just assumed you were a mind reader.

我們還以為你會讀心術。

If I was, my anxiety levels would be way, way lower.

我倒希望我有，這樣我的焦慮症就不會這麼嚴重了。

Galaxathor, write that down, the humans don't have telekinesis after all!

加拉瑟斯，記下來，人類根本就不會讀心術！

Phew, that'll make their planet much easier to conquer.

這樣我們征服地球就容易得多了。

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

啥？

Hang on a second!

等一下！

Did you say you've been studying me for weeks?

你們剛剛是在說，你們已經觀察我好幾個星期了嗎？

Yes.

對啊。

And we've chosen you to be our informant.

我們選擇了你，作為我們在地球的線人。

Because you're the most well-connected human on the planet.

因為你是這個星球上人脈最廣的人。

Are you sure you have the right guy?

你確定我是你們要找的人麼？

I have like, two friends.

我就，兩個朋友。

Drop the charade.

別裝傻。

We've read your memoirs about your love affairs with Earth's most famous TV stars and anime characters.

我們讀過你的回憶錄，上面全是一些你與地球上最著名的電視明星和動漫角色的愛情故事。

Oh no!

哦，不！

You found my fan fiction?

你們讀了我寫的同人小說？

Everything is in place for our invasion of Earth this weekend.

本周末，我們即將入侵地球，我們早就準備好了。

What we need to know is, where will the humans be this Saturday at 8:00 p.m.?

我們需要知道，周六晚上8點人類會在哪裡？

I don't know.

我不知道。

I'll probably be in bed.

但我那時可能會躺在床上。

Galaxathor, write that down!

加拉瑟斯，記下來！

The humans go to sleep at 8:00 p.m.

人類會在晚上8點入睡。

No, I didn't say I go to sleep then.

不，我沒說我會去睡覺。

I said I'd be in bed, watching Instagram reels of people tripping and falling for four hours.

我只是說我會躺在床上，逛逛Ins啊什麼的，刷4個小時的搞笑視頻。

And while the humans slumber, we'll destroy every pair of earbuds on the planet.

當人類沉睡時，我們就會摧毀地球上的所有耳機。

That's it?

就這？

You can't fool us, Earthling.

你騙不了我們的，地球人。

We know that your earbuds are your armor.

我們知道耳機就是你們的盔甲。

You never go outside without them, never take them out when people try to talk to you.

你們出門時絕不能落下的就是耳機，在別人想和你們交流時也不會拿出來。

Well, I mean, it really works.

嗯，這麼說來，確實是這樣。

So, when humanity wakes up on Sunday morning with no earbuds to protect them, they will be defenseless.

這樣，當人類在周日早上醒來時，沒有耳機保護他們，他們就將手無寸鐵。

That would be devastating.

這將給他們帶來毀滅性的打擊。

Oh, the look on the president's face when he finds that the military's earbuds have all disappeared!

哦，試想一下，當總統發現軍方的耳機都不見了的時候，他臉上的表情！

It's astro-tastic!

一定是太空爆笑！

It's what?

一定，什麼？

Astro-tastic.

太空爆笑！

It's not really a thing.

這都不是一個詞。

You guys really didn't study any other human beings but me?

你們真的沒有觀察過除我以外的其他人嗎？

You have shown us everything there is to know.

你已經向我們展示了一切。

I am sure of it.

我敢肯定。

Eh, I don't know about that.

呃，我可不敢肯定。

Now, before we wipe your memory and send you back to Earth, we have one last question.

現在，在我們清除你的記憶並將你送回地球之前，我們還有最後一個問題。

A question that will give us the key to brainwashing humanity.

這個問題將是我們給人類洗腦的關鍵所在。

All right, go ahead.

好的，問吧。

Tell me, when you are talking to another Earthling, what do you do with your hands?

告訴我，當你和另一個地球人說話時，你的手揮來擺去的幹什麼？

Whenever you're ready.

回答吧。

My, my hands?

我，我的手？

They just seem so awkward hanging there, like what do you do?

它們掛在那裡看起來很彆扭，所以這是做什麼用的？

Do you put them in your pockets?

你不會把手揣進口袋嗎？

Do you hold them behind you?

你不會把手放在身後嗎？

I don't know.

我不知道。

So now you decide to play coy.

所以現在你要開始裝傻了是吧？

We have ways of making you talk.

我們有的是辦法讓你開口。

I really don't know!

我真的不知道！

I wish I did.

我希望我知道。

Like all I do when I'm talking to someone is thinking about what I'm doing with my hands.

就像，當我和別人說話時，我就會一直在想我的手在做什麼。

And like, does it seem awkward?

就像，這樣看起來會很尷尬嗎？

Like, I just don't know what to do.

就像，我就是不知道該怎麼弄。

Like, right now, I'm getting really self-conscious.

就像，現在這樣子，我有點尷尬，不知道怎麼辦。

All I can think about right now is my hands.

我現在滿腦子想的都是我的手。

I don't even know what words are coming out of my mouth right now.

我現在甚至不知道我在說些什麼。

It's just my hands.

關注點全在我的手上。

That's it, that's all I can think about, my hands.

就是這樣，我滿腦子想的都是我的手。

Where are they?

手該放在哪裡？

What are they doing?

手該做些什麼？

Is this right?

這樣做可以嗎？

Okay, maybe...

好吧，也許……

I'm starting to think we picked the wrong guy here.

我開始覺得，我們是不是選錯人了。

It seems really weird.

看起來真的很奇怪。

Yeah, this guy sucks.

是啊，這傢伙感覺太不正常了。

Like, pockets?

比如，口袋裡？

I look like I'm waiting for a bus.

這樣我看起來像是在等公交車。

It's not a good situation.

這可不行。

And I don't know, what am I doing?

我不知道，我在做什麼？

What am I doing out here?

我在這裡幹嘛？

This is...

這是……