鑽石舞台

What should in an ideal world define someone as a writer isn’t that they publish books, or give talks at literary festivals or wear black; it’s that they belong to a distinct group of people who – whenever they are confused or in distress – gain the greatest possible relief from jotting things down. 『Writers』 in the true sense are those who scribble – as opposed to drink, exercise, or chat – their way out of pain.

理想世界中，定義為一位作家的標準不應該是出版書籍，或在文化節上發表演講，亦或穿黑色衣服，而是因為 他屬於這樣一個特殊的群體：每當他們感到困惑或痛苦時，他們會從寫作中獲得最大的釋然。真正意義上的「作家」是那些用潦草的文字，而不是喝酒、鍛煉或聊天，來擺脫痛苦的人。

The act of writing, especially in a journal or diary, is filled with therapeutic benefits. So deeply do certain ideas threaten the status quo, even if they ultimately offer us benefits, the mind will ruthlessly 『forget』 them in the name of a quiet life. But our diaries are a forum in which we can raise and then galvanise ourselves into answering the large questions which lie behind the stewardship of our lives: What do I really want? Should I leave? What do I feel for them?

寫作，尤其是寫日記，非常有助於精神解脫。生活中的一些想法會深深地威脅我們舒適的現狀，即使這些想法最終會讓我們受益，大腦也會以不添亂為由，無情地「忽略」它們。但在日記中，我們可以大膽說出來，並鼓勵自己回答隱藏在我們的生活職責背後的重大問題：我真正想要的是什麼？我應該離開嗎？我對他們感覺如何？

We may not quite know what we want to say until we』ve started to write; writing begets more writing. The first sentence makes the second one clearer. After a short paragraph that was summoned from apparent air, we start to know where this might be going. We learn what we think in the process of being forced to utter ideas outside of our swampy minds. The page becomes a guardian of our authentic elusive self.

沒有開始動筆書寫之前，我們可能不太知道自己想說什麼。但一動筆就會越寫越多，寫下第一句話會讓第二句話更加清晰。第一小段話憑空寫出來後，我們就會開始知道要寫些什麼。不再胡思亂想，而是寫出來，讓我們清楚自己在想什麼。日記成了我們真實的、難以捉摸的自我的守護者。

Here we can make vows and attempt to stick to them: No more humiliation! The end of masochism! Ordinary life can seem to have no place for stock-taking and moments of grand enquiry. But the page demands and rewards them: What am I trying to do? Who am I? What is meaningful for me? We』d never get away with such things at the dinner table, even among people who claim to love us – but here they make sense.

日記里我們許下誓言並努力遵守：不再接受羞辱！不再自討苦吃！平凡的日子似乎沒有什麼可盤點的地方。也沒有特別需要探究的時刻，但日記要求並鼓勵我們回答：我想做什麼？我是誰？什麼對我來說是有意義的？在飯桌上，我們永遠無法堂堂正正地訴說這些，即使是與那些聲稱愛我們的人在一起，但在日記里，它們是有意義的。

We can look back at what we』ve written and understand. The page is a supreme arena for processing. It can drain pain of its rawness. We can get used to disasters and stabilise joys. We can turn panic into lists. Five ways to survive this. Six things I am going to tell them. Four reasons not to despair. We won’t need to be so jittery in the world outside after we have told the notebook all this.

我們回頭看看我們所寫的東西，就會明白，日記是處理思緒的最佳場所，日記將痛苦從其原始狀態中抽離出來，日記讓我們適應災難，把握喜樂。日記讓我們將恐慌變成一個個清單：五種渡過難關的方式；我要訴說的六件事；不要絕望的四個理由；我們把這些都寫在日記本後，面對外面的世界時就不必那麼緊張了。

The page becomes a laboratory in which to try out what might shock and surprise. We don’t need to honour everything we say. We’re giving it a go and seeing how we feel. It’s the first draft of a letter to ourselves.Looking back at what we have written should be embarrassing, if what we mean by that is hyperbolic, disjointed, uncertain and wild. If we aren’t appalled by much of what we have said to ourselves, we aren’t beginning to be truthful – and therefore won’t learn.

日記成了一片試驗場，我們在其中歷經喜怒哀樂，我們不需要兌現我們所說的一切，我們只是寫下來，看看我們對此的感受如何，這是一封寫給我們自己的信的初稿。回顧我們所寫的東西時，我們會感到尷尬。如果我們對日記的定義是誇大的、不連貫的、不確定的以及輕率的。如果我們對自己所說的許多話，沒有感到心驚膽寒，說明我們並沒有坦誠，因此也不會學到什麼。If in ordinary life we make a little more sense than we might, if we are a bit calmer than we were, it’s perhaps because – somewhere in a drawer – there are pages of tightly compressed handwriting that have helped us to understand our pain, safely explore our fantasies and guide us to a more bearable future.

如果在平凡的生活中，我們過得更有意義。如果我們比以前更平靜，那也許是因為，在某個抽屜里，有幾頁密密麻麻的筆跡，幫助我們了解了我們的痛苦，安心地探索我們的幻想，引導我們走向更從容的未來。

本期譯製團：

翻譯：AL

責任編輯：Leon Yong

source: Freedom in Thought