我們內心最深處總會有一種渴望，渴望別人能夠理解我們的痛苦，發覺我們的焦慮，理解我們的悲傷，雖然我們並不奢求他人能夠完全懂我們，但我們渴望他人至少能夠肯定我們的感受，特別是我們所愛的人。而當我們的情緒得不到傾聽的時候 ，我們可能變得極度抑鬱，狂躁而憤怒，而一旦得到傾聽，我們的內心立馬可以得到救贖。
WHY WE NEED TO FEEL HEARDOne of our deepest longings - deeper than we even perhaps recognise day to to day - is that other people should acknowledge certain of our feelings. We want that - at key moments - our sufferings should be understood, our anxieties recognised and our sadness lent legitimacy.我們可能未曾意識到，其實在內心深處我們十分渴望有人能體會我們的感受。我們希望在特定的時候能有人能理解我們經歷的苦難，意識到我們所處的焦慮，明白我們並非無病呻吟。We don’t want others necessarily to agree with all our feelings, but what we crave is that they at least validate them. When we are furious, we want another person to say: I can see that you』ve been driven to distraction. It must feel very chaotic for you inside right now for you. When we are sad, we want someone to say: I know you’re unusually down and I understand the reasons why. And when we can’t take it all any more, we want someone gently to say: It’s been too much for you; I recognise that so well; of course it has.我們也並不是期望他人百分之百的認同，但至少，他們能夠肯定這些情緒存在的合理性。比如，我們生氣時會希望有人站出來說：我看得出來，你好像有點不對勁，你現在心裡一定很亂吧；我們傷心時會希望有人能在我們耳邊說：你好像心情不太好，我能理解的；我們受挫時會希望有人能安慰我們：沒事，這個任務本來就很難，我知道的。It sounds desperately simple, and in a way it is. And yet how little of this emotional nectar of acknowledgement we ever in fact receive or gift to one another.這些話聽起來好像，也確實，很簡單，但現實生活中的我們又有多少人的內心聲音曾被傾聽，又有多少人曾傾聽過他人的聲音呢？The habit of not having one’s feelings properly acknowledged begins in childhood. Parents, even the most loving ones, frequently stumble in this domain. It’s not that they don’t theoretically care intensely for their children, it’s that they don’t appreciate that true care involves regularly reflecting a child’s moods back to him or herself - rather than subtly pushing the moods away or denying that they exist. Here are some typical unacknowledging parent-child exchanges:忽視他人內心聲音的習慣源於童年。即便是在和睦的家庭里，父母也總是忽視孩子們內心的聲音。並不是說他們不關心自己的孩子，而是在他們的理念里並不存在這樣的一種關心孩子的方式---肯定孩子的情感並且將其與自身聯繫起來，而不是巧妙地轉移話題或者否定這些情感。Parent: Don’t be silly, you can’t be, it’s the holidays.Child: I’m really worried.Parent: Darling, now that’s that’s ridiculous, there’s just nothing to be scared of here.Child: I wish there wasn’t any school ever ever.Parent: Don’t be so silly. You know we have to leave the house by eight.How different things might go, and what a different sort of adult the childwould have a chance to grow into, if such dialogues were only slightly tweaked: if, for example, the parent could say: 『It’s weird isn’t it how it’s possible to be sad at the oddest of times, even on a beach holiday…』 Or: 『I can see you’re scared: that wind is really fierce out there…』 Or: 『It must be horrible having double maths all morning, especially after such a nice weekend…』但其實家長只要稍微換一種回應的方式，結果就會大不相同，孩子們也會朝着截然不同的方向成長。假想一下，家長這麼說：「是很奇怪哦，你怎麼會在這個時候覺得難過呢？現在可是在放假」。或者「你好像很害怕，今天的風確實有點大」又或者「過完周末就要上連堂數學課確實太殘忍了」There is one reason why we don’t acknowledge as we might: fear. The feelings we push away are all, in some shape or other, emotionally inconvenient, or troubling or upsetting: we love our child so much, we don’t want to imagine that they might be sad or worried, lost or having a terribly difficult time at school.一旦承認這些情緒的存在，我們會為此感到沮喪，悲傷和傷感：我們太愛我們的孩子了，所以不想看到他們難過，擔心，迷茫或者是在學校里過得不開心。Furthermore, we may operate with a background view that acknowledging a difficult feeling will make it far worse than it is. It will mean fostering it unduly or giving way to it entirely. We fear that if we give a bit of unbiased mirroring to our child, we might be encouraging them to grow cataclysmically depressive, unfeasibly timid or manically resistant to authority.再其次，我們可能會在心裏面覺得一旦承認這些糟糕的情緒會讓情況看起來更加糟糕，會給孩子們增加更多的心理負擔，甚至是會讓這些情緒完全占據他們的內心。我們害怕如果我們真的肯定了他們的情緒，他們會更容易走向極度的抑鬱，膽怯和叛逆。What we’re missing is that most of us, once we』ve been heard, become far less - rather than far more - inclined to insist on the feelings we’re beset by. The angry person gets less rather than more enraged once the depth of their frustration has been recognised; the rebellious child grows more, not less inclined, to buckle down and do their homework once their feelings that they want to burn the school down, break the headmaster’s glasses and abscond to a desert island have been listened to and identified with for fifty-five seconds. Feelings get less strong, not more tyrannous, as soon as they』ve been given an airing. We become bullies when no one’s listened, never because they listened too much.但我們忽視的一點是，當我們的情緒得到傾聽時，我們會更容易擺脫這些情緒的困擾，而非愈發深陷其中。如果有人能注意他人正在生氣，那他的憤怒只會由此減少而非增加。如果有人能傾聽孩子們那些想炸學校，打碎校長的眼鏡，逃離到荒島的叛逆想法，那他們會更容易投身學習之中。當我們找到了「通風口」，那些糟糕的情緒就得到了釋放。那些最終變成了惡霸的人，內心都是孤獨的。The problem of unacknowledged feelings doesn’t - sadly - end with childhood. Couples routinely put each other through the same mill. For example:可悲的是，這種狀況並非止於童年。夫妻之間也會陷入這種彼此折磨的惡性循環。比如：Partner 1: Sometimes I feel that you don’t listen...Partner 2: That has to be rubbish; I put so much work into this relationship.女方：瞎說什麼呢，我在這段感情里付出的還不夠多嗎？Partner 1: I’m worried I might be firedPartner 2: That’s not possible, you work so hard.All the way to the divorce courts - or an affair.The good news is that an enormous uplift in mood is available right now, with very little effort, if we simply learn to change the way we typically respond to the I-statements of those who matter to us. We only need to play their feelings back to them, even the potentially awkward feelings, for a few moments using certain magical phrases: I can hear that you must… You must be feeling so… I can understand completely that... Such phrases can change the course of lives.但好在，只要我們做出一些小小的轉變，不再以這些反面例子的說話方式回應他們，結果就會大不相同。我們只要承認他們的感受，將這些甚至是有些尷尬的情緒拋回給他們，有時再用一些「神奇」的句式：我聽得出來你你確實... 你肯定會覺得... 我完全能夠理解... 相信我，這些句子絕對能拯救你的生活，The person who needs their feelings acknowledged will almost never take a hearing as license to increase their distress or blame; the laws of psychology dictate that a crisis will immediately start to decline once a simple non-judgemental mirroring has taken place.而且那些情感需要傾聽的人並不會覺得這樣是給了別人機會嘲諷或者責怪自己。心理學研究表明，當我們處於一個放鬆的環境，他人以包容的目光看待我們時，我們內心的危機感會立刻開始減弱。Crucially, we don’t need to be listened to by everyone. We can bear an awful lot of unacknowledged feelings when just a few people, some of them in our childhood, and ideally one of them in our bedroom and in our friendship circle every now and then plays us back to us.重要的是，我們並不需要得到每個人的理解。我們的童年玩伴，或者幸運一些，我們的枕邊伴侶，親密好友，他們能夠讓我們回歸自我。正是因為這一小部分人的傾聽，我們才能夠在許許多多的情感包袱下繼續負重前行。The ranter, the person animated by a rigid desire that everyone should listen to them, hasn’t (of course) been overindulged: they are just playing out the frightening consequences of never having been heard when it mattered.There is almost no end to what we may be ready to do for those who pay us that immense, psychologically-redemptive honour of once in a while acknowledging what we’re actually feeling, however odd, melancholy or inconvenient it might be.那些傾訴欲望極其強烈的人當然不是因為從小就任性妄為。這一切不過是內心長期被忽視的結果。所以我們才更要感謝那些曾在我們深陷情緒旋渦時，承認我們那些奇怪的，不管是痛苦或是窘迫心理的救贖者。滴水之恩，當湧泉相報。本期ONE譯製團：
譯者：Hiallison
視頻譯者：Fay
責任編輯：Leon Yong
source:The School of Life
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