鑽石舞台

中英文字幕

So research that I and some of my colleagues have done has shed a lot of light on why it is that sometimes people say yes to our requests for help and why sometimes they say no.

我和我同事做的一些研究對人們為什麼有時會伸出援手，有時候則不，提供了一些解釋。

Now let me just start by saying right now: if you need help, you are going to have to ask for it.

現在讓我們進入主題：如果我們需要幫助，我們就得開口。

Out loud. OK?

大聲說出來。可以嗎？

We all, to some extent, suffer from something that psychologists call "the illusion of transparency" --

我們在某種程度上都有心理學家常說的「透明度錯覺」——

basically, the mistaken belief that our thoughts and our feelings and our needs are really obvious to other people.

這指的是我們認為自己的思想、感覺和需求對他人而言很明顯。

This is not true, but we believe it.

事實並非如此，但我們相信這點。

And so, we just mostly stand around waiting for someone to notice our needs and then spontaneously offer to help us with it.

所以我們只是乾等在那兒，等待有人注意到我們的需求，然後主動提出幫助我們。

This is a really, really bad assumption.

這是一個非常非常糟糕的假設。

In fact, not only is it very difficult to tell what your needs are,

事實上，不僅很難判斷你的需求是什麼，

but even the people close to you often struggle to understand how they can support you.

即使我們身邊的人也往往琢磨不透應該如何幫助我們。

My partner has actually had to adopt a habit of asking me multiple times a day, "Are you OK?

我的伴侶不得不養成一個習慣，每天問我很多次，「你還好嗎？

Do you need anything?"

你需要什麼嗎？」

because I am so, so bad at signaling when I need someone's help.

因為在需要幫助時，我太不擅長發出信號。

Now, he is more patient than I deserve and much more proactive, much more,

現在，他給予了我更多耐心，更積極主動，更樂於助人，

about helping than any of us have any right to expect other people to be.

我們通常沒有權利要求別人這樣對我們。

So if you need help, you're going to have to ask for it.

所以如果我們需要幫助，就必須開口。

And by the way, even when someone can tell that you need help, how do they know that you want it?

另外，即便有人看出來我們需要幫助，他們怎麼知道我們需要什麼？

Did you ever try to give unsolicited help to someone who, it turns out, did not actually want your help in the first place?

大家有沒有試過主動幫助別人，結果人家根本就不想讓你幫？

They get nasty real quick, don't they?

他們很快就會厭惡，對吧？

The other day -- true story -- my teenage daughter was getting dressed for school,

這是個真實的故事——前些天，我十幾歲的女兒穿好衣服準備上學，

and I decided to give her some unsolicited help about that.

我決定自發地給她一些幫助。

I happen to think she looks amazing in brighter colors.

我碰巧覺得她穿亮色衣服好看。

She tends to prefer sort of darker, more neutral tones.

但她通常喜歡偏深、中性的色調。

And so I said, very helpfully, that I thought maybe she could go back upstairs and try to find something a little less somber.

於是我試着說，也許她可以回到樓上，試着找件顏色不那麼陰沉的衣服穿。

So, if looks could kill, I would not be standing here right now.

如果眼神能殺人的話，我現在就不會站在這裡了。

We really can't blame other people for not just spontaneously offering to help us when we don't actually know that that's what is wanted.

我們不能責怪別人不主動幫助我們，特別是當對方不知道我們需要什麼時。

In fact, actually,

事實上，

research shows that 90 percent of the help that coworkers give one another in the workplace is in response to explicit requests for help.

研究顯示工作時同事之間百分之九十的幫助是響應明確的求助請求的。

So you're going to have to say the words "I need your help."

所以我們得說：「我需要你的幫助」。

Right? There's no getting around it.

對嗎？這是無法迴避的。

Now, to be good at it, to make sure that people actually do help you when you ask for it,

想要做好它，確保當我們尋求幫助時，人們會幫我們，

there are a few other things that are very helpful to keep in mind.

請記住一些非常有用的做法。

First thing: when you ask for help, be very, very specific about the help you want and why.

第一點：當我們求助時，一定要準確地闡述我們要的幫助和原因。

Vague, sort of indirect requests for help actually aren't very helpful to the helper, right?

含糊的、間接的求助實際上對幫助者沒有多大幫助，對嗎？

We don't actually know what it is you want from us,

他們的確不知道我們想得到的幫助是什麼，

and, just as important, we don't know whether or not we can be successful in giving you the help.

同樣重要的是，他們不知道是否能夠成功幫助我們。

Nobody wants to give bad help.

沒人想幫倒忙。

Like me, you probably get some of these requests from perfectly pleasant strangers on LinkedIn who want to do things like "get together over coffee and connect"

大家或許像我一樣，在領英收到過來自非常友好的陌生人的邀請，這些人想做一些「喝杯咖啡、聊個天」

or "pick your brain."

或「向你請教一下」之類的事情。

I ignore these requests literally every time.

我每次都忽略這些請求。

And it's not that I'm not a nice person.

這並不是因為我不夠友好。

It's just that when I don't know what it is you want from me, like the kind of help you're hoping that can I provide, I'm not interested.

只是我不知道他們想從我這裡得到什麼，以及希望我能提供哪種幫助，我就不感興趣。

Nobody is.

沒人會有興趣。

I'd have been much more interested if they had just come out and said whatever it is was they were hoping to get from me,

如果他們能直接說出任何他們想從我這裡獲得的幫助，我就會更有興趣，

because I'm pretty sure they had something specific in mind.

因為我很肯定他們有些具體的想法。

So go ahead and say, "I'm hoping to discuss opportunities to work in your company,"

所以，你可以說，「我想和你談談貴司有沒有工作機會。」

or, "I'd like to propose a joint research project in an area I know you're interested in,"

或「我想和你談談一個聯合研究項目，你對這個領域一定會非常感興趣。」

or, "I'd like your advice on getting into medical school."

或者，「我想聽聽你對讀醫學院的建議。」

Technically, I can't help you with that last one because I'm not that kind of doctor,

說實話，我不能幫助解決最後一個問題，因為我不是醫生，

but I could point you in the direction of someone who could.

但我可以指明誰可以提供幫助。

OK, second tip.

好了，第二個技巧。

This is really important: please avoid disclaimers, apologies and bribes.

這點真的很重要：請不要用免責聲明，道歉和賄賂。

Really, really important.

真的，這非常重要。

Do any of these sound familiar?

這些聽起來耳熟嗎？

'I'm so, so sorry that I have to ask you for this."

「我非常、非常抱歉要向你請教一件事情。」

"I really hate bothering you with this."

「我真的非常不想麻煩你。」

"If I had any way of doing this without your help, I would."

「如果沒有你能做成這事的話，我一定會的。」

Sometimes it feels like people are so eager to prove that they're not weak and greedy when they ask your for help,

有時候這讓人感覺，他們是如此渴望去證明他們尋求幫助時，不是因為軟弱和貪婪，

they're completely missing out on how uncomfortable they're making you feel.

但他們完全忽視了這樣做會讓我們感到不舒服。

And by the way -- how am I supposed to find it satisfying to help you if you really hated having to ask me for help?

順便問一句，如果他們討厭求助我，我怎會覺得幫助他們是讓我感到滿足的事呢？

And while it is perfectly, perfectly acceptable to pay strangers to do things for you,

雖然付費給陌生人幫我們做事情是完全可以接受的，

you need to be very, very careful when it comes to incentivizing your friends and coworkers.

當涉及到激勵我們的朋友和同事時，我們要非常小心。

When you have a relationship with someone, helping one another is actually a natural part of that relationship.

如果我們跟某人關係很好，彼此幫助就是那段關係很自然的部分。

It's how we show one another that we care.

這是我們互相表達關心對方的方式。

If you introduce incentives or payments into that, what can happen is, it starts to feel like it isn't a relationship, it's a transaction.

如果我們在這種關係中加入激勵或者付費，會讓人覺得這不是段關係，而是個交易。

And that actually is experienced as distancing, which, ironically, makes people less likely to help you.

這其實會讓人產生一種距離感，更諷刺的事，這反而會讓人更不願意幫助我們。

So a spontaneous gift after someone gives you some help to show your appreciation and gratitude -- perfectly fine.

所以，在別人幫助我們後，我們可以用更淳樸的禮物來表達感激之情——這樣做就很好。

An offer to pay your best friend to help you move into your new apartment is not.

付錢給幫我們喬遷新居的朋友就不是好做法。

OK, third rule, and I really mean this one: please do not ask for help over email or text.

第三點，我想說的是：請不要通過郵件或者短信請求幫助。

Really, seriously, please don't.

我是認真的，請不要那樣做。

Email and text are impersonal.

郵件和短信很不正式。

I realize sometimes there's no alternative, but mostly what happens is,

我知道有時候沒得選，但多數情況下，

we like to ask for help over email and text because it feels less awkward for us to do so.

我們喜歡通過郵件或短信求助，是因為這樣做我們不會感到那麼尷尬。

You know what else feels less awkward over email and text?

有什麼比用郵件和短信求助更尷尬的嗎？

Telling you no.

沒有。

And it turns out, there's research to support this.

事實上，有研究支持這個觀點。

In-person requests for help are 30 times more likely to get a yes than a request made by email.

當面請求得到幫助的可能性比發郵件高30倍。

So when something is really important and you really need someone's help,

所以當一件事真的很重要，我們需要他人的幫助時，

make face time to make the request, or use your phone as a phone -- to ask for the help that you need.

當面提出這個請求，或者只用手機通過打電話——去尋求我們需要的幫助。

OK.

好了。

Last one, and this is actually a really, really important one and probably the one that is most overlooked when it comes to asking for help:

最後一點也非常重要，它可能是尋求幫助時最容易被忽視的一點：

when you ask someone for their help and they say yes, follow up with them afterward.

當我們尋求別人的幫助並得到肯定回答時，事後與他們保持聯繫。

There's a common misconception that what's rewarding about helping is the act of helping itself.

人們普遍有種誤解，認為幫助別人的回報在於幫助本身。

This is not true.

事實並非如此。

What is rewarding about helping is knowing that your help landed, that it had impact, that you were effective.

幫助的回報是知道你的幫助落實了，它產生了影響，你的幫忙是有效的。

If I have no idea how my help affected you, how am I supposed to feel about it?

如果我根本不知道我的幫助如何影響你，我對這幫助會有何感想？

This happened.

這種事情發生過。

I was a university professor for many years.

我當了很多年的大學教授。

I wrote lots and lots of letters of recommendation for people to get jobs or to go into graduate school.

我寫了很多的推薦信，幫學生找工作或申請研究生院。

And probably about 95 percent of them, I have no idea what happened.

其中有大約95%我都不知道之後發生了什麼。

Now, how do I feel about the time and effort I took to do that, when I really have no idea if I helped you,

當我不知道我是否幫助了你，是否幫助你得到你想要的東西時，

if it actually helped you get the thing that you wanted?

我該如何看待我花在這件事上的時間和精力？

In fact, this idea of feeling effective is part of why certain kinds of donor appeals are so, so persuasive --

事實上，這種感覺有效的想法是某些捐助的呼籲如此有說服力的原因，

because they allow you to really vividly imagine the effect that your help is going to have.

因為它們能讓我們生動地想象我們的幫助將產生的效果。

Take something like DonorsChoose.

以DonorsChoose為例。

You go online, you can choose the individual teacher by name whose classroom you're going to be able to help by literally buying the specific items they've requested,

我們在網上選擇我們想給予幫助的教室的老師的名字，為他們購買他們請求的特定商品，

like microscopes or laptops or flexible seating.

比如顯微鏡、筆記本電腦和可調節高度的座椅。

An appeal like that makes it so easy for me to imagine the good that my money will do,

這就讓我很容易想象我的錢將會起到的作用，

that I actually get an immediate sense of effectiveness the minute I commit to giving.

在我做出捐贈的那一刻，就感覺有一種立竿見影的效果。

But you know what else they do?

但你知道他們還會做什麼嗎？

They follow up.

他們還會跟捐助者保持聯繫。

Donors actually get letters from the kids in the classroom.

捐贈者會收到教室里學生的來信。

They get pictures.

他們會收到照片。

They get to know that they made a difference.

他們知道他們對別人產生了影響。

And this is something we need to all be doing in our everyday lives, especially if we want people to continue to give us help over the long term.

這是我們在生活中都應該做的事情，尤其當我們想要人們長期幫助我們時。

Take time to tell your colleague that the help that they gave you really helped you land that big sale,

花時間告訴我們的同事，他們給予的幫助幫助我們談成了那筆大買賣，

or helped you get that interview that you were really hoping to get.

或幫助我們得到了很想要的面試機會。

Take time to tell your partner that the support they gave you really made it possible for you to get through a tough time.

花時間告訴我們的伴侶，他們給予的幫助幫助我們度過了艱難的時光。

Take time to tell your catsitter that you're super happy that for some reason, this time the cats didn't break anything while you were away,

花點時間告訴幫助你照顧貓的人，我們很高興，因為這次我們不在的時候，貓沒有打壞任何東西，

and so they must have done a really good job.

他們做得棒極了。

The bottom line is: I know -- believe me, I know -- that it is not easy to ask for help.

歸根結底：相信我——我知道——尋求幫助並不容易。

We are all a little bit afraid to do it.

我們都有點害怕這樣做。

It makes us feel vulnerable.

這讓我們感到脆弱。

But the reality of modern work and modern life is that nobody does it alone.

但現代的工作和生活不是我們可以獨自應對的。

Nobody succeeds in a vacuum.

沒人能獨自成功。

More than ever, we actually do have to rely on other people, on their support and collaboration, in order to be successful.

事實上，我們比以往更需要依靠他人，有了他們的支持和配合，我們才能成功。

So when you need help, ask for it out loud.

所以需要幫助時，大聲說出來。

And when you do, do it in a way that increases your chances that you'll get a yes and makes the other person feel awesome for having helped you,

用可以更大概率得到肯定回答的方法去做，另外，確保他人因為幫助我們而感到快樂，

because you both deserve it.

因為這是幫助者應得的。

Thank you.

謝謝。