鑽石舞台

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農村家庭博士兒媳眼中的鄉村圖景

The Countryside in the Eyes

ofa Doctoral Daughter-In-Lawof a Rural Family

儘管對於底層的書寫，我一直心生警惕，但刻骨銘心的感受，還是讓我擔心這個世界的聲音將變得無比悅耳，當像哥哥這種家庭的孩子、孫子再也不可能獲得任何發聲機會，關於這個家庭的敘述自然也無法進入公共視野，那麼，關於他們卑微的悲傷，既失去了在場者經驗的見證性，從而也永遠喪失了歷史化的可能。

I』ve always been wary of writing about the social underclass, buttheingrained feelings and indelible experiences rendered me worried that the voice of this world would be super ear-pleasing, with voices ofthose like Elder Brother's offsprings unheard and the narrativeof the family, undoubtedly, remaining unexposed, and there will be no one to bearwitness to their negligible sorrows, thusobliteratingthesesufferers from history.

我丈夫家在湖北孝感孝昌縣的一個村子。2005年第一次過年回到他家，印象最深的就是嫂子。嫂子個子矮小，皮膚黝黑，長相粗陋。我暗自問當時的男友，「哥哥儘管算不上特別帥氣，但為何找了這麼難看的嫂子？」後來才發現，這種問題多麼粗魯無禮，對一個農村的貧苦家庭而言（更何況哥哥還有家族遺傳病，後來才得知，父親、二姐都因此早逝），能夠找到一個適齡的女子組建家庭，已是萬幸。

My parents-in-law's home is ata village in Xiaochang County, Hubei. In 2005, I went back with him to their village for Spring Festival for the first time.Our sister-in-law impressed me most -small in stature withdark skin and an overall rough appearance. I even privately asked my husband, then my boyfriend, 「I know Elder Brother isn’t exactly a heartthrob, but why marry such an ugly woman?」 I later realized how horribly rude a question that was. To a poor village family (especially since Elder Brother had a hereditary disease that, I later found out, was the reason their father and second-eldest sister passed away early), finding a girl of appropriate age with which to start a family meant he was already extremely fortunate.

事實上，美貌和帥氣在農村的婚配關係中，其權重遠遠不能和經濟條件、家庭地位相比。嫂子的家境也不好，具體情況我不太清楚，我認識她十年來，發現她幾乎很少回娘家，也很少談起家裡的事。嫂子性格開朗，簡單沒有心機，和我一見如故，她也只比我大幾歲，因此，第一次去給村里老人拜年時，很自然，我們竟然手拉着手。

In reality, when it comes to village marriages, beauty and looks are incomparably less important than economics and family status. Sister-in-law didn’t come from a good family,either, but I don’t know the details. In the 10-plus years I』ve known her, she rarely went back to visit her side of the family, nor does she talk about them much. She’s a very outgoing person, simple, an open book. She was just a few years older than me, and we hit it off instantly. That first time I went to the village, we quickly felt close enough to hold hands.

當時，婆婆身體還不錯，大約75歲，小侄子14歲，小侄女12歲。那幾年，哥哥嫂子一直跟着四姐、四姐夫在北京工地打工，四姐夫是一個包工頭，從老家找了很多青壯年勞動力，鄉里鄉親，幹活讓人放心，自然，鄉里鄉親也能通過姐夫順利拿到工錢，互相之間都很信任。

My mother-in-law was about 75 at the time, still in good health. There was also my nephew, then14, and niece, 12. In those years, Elder Brother and Sister-in-law were construction workers in Beijing. Fourth-sister and her husband worked with them, as well. Fourth-sister’s husband was a recruiter. He recruited many young and middle-aged laborers from back home. The set up worked well for him, people naturally trusted those from the same home town. And it worked out for those he recruited too, as they could earn a wage through the work he introduced.

後來才得知，四姐夫當時賺了不少錢，他甚至在九十年代末期，就很有先見之明地在孝感市內買了土地，蓋起了四層高的樓房。現在回憶起來，這幾年竟然是全家最為安靜、平和的日子，丈夫當時還在念書，無法像以前那樣給與家裡更多經濟支持，婆婆因為身體尚可，主動承擔了照顧侄子、侄女的重擔，快八十高齡，依然餵雞做飯，做一些力所能及的家務活。

I later learned Fourth-sister’s husband made a lot of money back then. In the late 90s, he even had the vision to buy land in Xiaogan City and build a four-story building there. My memory is that those were the family’s quietest, most peaceful days. My husband was still in school then, so he wasn’t able to give more economic support to the family. Since my mother-in-law was still in good health, she took up the big responsibility of looking after my niece and nephew. Getting on for 80 years old, she was still feeding the chickens and cooking, doing all the household chores she could.

哥哥、嫂子為維持生計（孩子念書、村里人情往來、家人生病等必要開銷），一直呆在北京工地，只有過年時才提前一月、半月回家，準備年貨。這樣，侄子侄女事實上就成為祖輩照顧的留守兒童，只不過，相比當下很多孤苦的兒童，因為能夠得到祖母的愛，孩子倒也沒有留下太多心理陰影。

To maintain their livelihoods (children’s studies, maintaining relationships with those in the village, healthcare and other necessary family expenses), Elder Brother and Sister-in-law remained in Beijing at their work site throughout most of the year, only returning home a month or a couple weeks before Spring Festival every year, to help with preparations. That made niece and nephew 「left-behind children,」 raised by their grandma. But compared to a lot of the lonely children in similar situations, they weren’t too negatively affected psychologically, because they had their grandma’s love.

情況到2008年發生了一些變化，哥哥、嫂子儘管在外打工多年，但年頭到年尾的拮据狀態讓他們頗為失望，加上婆婆、公公年齡已大，已無法照顧好進入叛逆期的孫輩，這樣，嫂子就決定留在家裡，一方面照看老人，更重要的是管教孩子。嫂子在家種種菜，喂喂雞，養養豬，我們按時給家人寄生活費，一家人無病無災，日子倒也過得去。

Things changed in 2008. Elder Brother and Sister-in-law had been working away from home for years, but they grew tired of constantly just scraping by year in and year out. At the same time, grandma and grandpa were already quite old, they could no longer handle the kids, who had entered their rebellious period. Sister-in-law decided to return home, both to take care of the elders, but also, more importantly, to keep the children under control. She also tended to the fields, fed the chickens, fed the pigs. We sent support money back on a regular basis. Everyone was healthy, andthe family managed to getby unaffected by diseases or disasters.

這樣，哥哥、嫂子同時在外打工的局面，就變成了哥哥一人外出打工的狀態。哥哥身體並不好，並不適合外出在建築工地干很重的體力活，但待在家裡，幾乎沒有任何額外的來源，而孩子逐漸長大，老人年事已高，子女成家，父母善終的具體壓力一件件擺在眼前。

And just like that, Elder Brother was left now the only one away from home. Physically, he never was a very healthy person, it certainly wasn’t appropriate for him to be doing physically taxing jobs like construction. But there was no way for him toearn an income back in the village. The kids were growing up, the elders getting very old. Pressure to make money was growing by the day, both for his children’s marriage prospects and to provide a good quality of life for the older generation.

房子儘管98年在丈夫的資助下已經建起，但二樓幾乎是一個空架子，沒有任何裝修，以致過年過節回去，都沒有辦法安置親人過夜。但不管怎樣，畢竟一家人還能過一種平平安安的日子，隨着孩子們的成長，日子總是在走向好的一天。

The house the family lived in was built in 1998 with the financial help of my husband. There was a second floor, but it was basically an empty shelf. It wasn’t finished at all. People couldn’t even sleep up there when there were a lot of relatives home for holidays. But at least everyone was living well enough. As the kids grew older, it always seemed like things were looking up.

哥哥每次得知我們寒暑假要帶兒子回去，總是提前從工地回來，殺雞、宰鴨，用摩托車帶兒子去鎮上集市趕集，給兒子買各種誇張而廉價的玩具，公公、婆婆也極為開心，嫁出去的大姐、小妹，還有妻子早逝的二姐夫都會回來相聚，一家人倒也能感受到親人相聚的溫馨，只有四姐一家，因為姐夫常年待在北京，幾乎很少回去。但這種平常、安穩的日子並未維持多久，就出現了一些意想不到的事情，並直接影響到了整個家庭的走向。

Every time Elder Brother heard we were planning to bring the kids back for winter or summer vacation, he』d always return to the village early, slaughter chickens and ducks, take his son with him on his motorbike to markets in the county seat and buy all sorts of cheap, silly toys for my son. Grandpa and Grandma were alway selated, too. The whole family was together—the daughters that had married out of the family, and even the husband of Second-sister, who died young. Everyone got to experience the love and warmth of family. Fourth-sister and her family, who had been living in Beijing for so many years, were the only ones who seemed to rarely come home. But this stability didn’t last for long. Some unexpected issues came up that directly affected the direction of the whole family.

一件事是四姐的工地出問題。由於政府拖欠姐夫承包工程的付款，大量的工程欠款無法到位，直接摧毀了姐夫多年累積的家底，不但導致哥哥、嫂子跟隨他們打工多年的工資不翼而飛（這筆錢幾乎是他們整個家底，有將近十萬塊的勞務費，哥哥、嫂子一直指望這筆錢給兒子娶媳婦），而且因為拖欠工人工資，欠下大量無法逃避的債務，最困難的時候，甚至找我們借錢。

One issue was with Fourth-sister’s construction site. The government was behind on loan payments that Fourth-sister’s husband was responsible for. He was behind by a huge amount of money, and had no way to make payments. Their savings were completely devastated. Not long after, so were Elder Brother and Sister-in-law’s, earned through all those years of blood, sweat and tears away from home. (This money was virtually their entire life savings, nearly 100,000 yuan. They planned to use the money for their son to marry.) On top of that, Fourth-sister’s husband also owed a large amount of backpay to the workers on their project, and this debt couldn’t be avoided. When the situation was in most dire straits, they even asked to borrow money from us.

大約2009年臨近春節一天，丈夫接到四姐夫的緊急電話，說有人用刀架着他的脖子，逼他必須在當天還錢，求我們幫他解燃眉之急。姐夫在我印象中，一直經濟算是寬裕，穿的衣服也挺括光鮮，很有農村成功人士的派頭。

I think it was the day before Spring Festival 2009 that myhusband received an urgent phone callfrom Fourth-sister’s husband. He told us someone was holding a knife to his neck, and that he had to pay a debt back that very day. He pleaded with us for help. He always gave me the the impression of being a pretty well-off guy—he wore clean, crisp, fashionable clothes, he had a manner about him of countryside success.

幾年以來，這是姐夫第一次向我們開口，但當時我確實不願借錢，一則，手頭並沒有多餘的閒錢等着幫助他們，而買房欠下的首付還等着年底歸還，當時我們的經濟狀態幾乎處於最緊張的階段；二則，也因為他們拖欠了哥哥、嫂子將近十萬塊錢的血汗錢，對他們心生嫌隙，總感覺他們沒有保障親人最基本的利益。

This was the first time he had reached out to us in years. Honestly, I didn’t want to lend him the money. For one, we didn’t have the extra funds on hand to help. We were preparing to make the first payment on our mortgage at the end of the year. Our financial situation was basically at its most strained point, as well. Secondly, they already owed Elder Brother and Sister-in-law nearly 100,000 yuan of their hard-earned money. I had my doubts over their ability to protect the basic interests of their relatives.

我向丈夫講明了我的意思，丈夫也沒有吭聲，四姐被逼無奈，再次向我們打電話求助，面對危急情況，她也沒有任何辦法，事情明擺着，我們已沒有任何退路，也沒有任何選擇，只得厚着臉皮找一個經濟條件尚可的朋友借錢。

I explained my position to my husband. He didn’t say a word. Fourth-sister had no choice. She called us again begging for help. It was an emergency, there was nothing else she could do. We clearly didn’t have a choice, either. We swallowed our pride and asked to borrow money from a financially stable friend.

儘管四姐當時承諾幾個月以後還錢，但我知道，還不還錢不是她的主觀願望說了算，從借出那筆錢開始，我們就沒有期待有還錢的那天。事實也是如此，此後幾年，四姐一家的經濟狀況沒有任何好轉，她甚至幾年都不敢回家，害怕村里那些曾經跟隨姐夫打工的鄉親討要工錢（我後來才意識到四姐一家命運的轉變，對我們此後幾年經濟狀況的直接影響，因為他無法歸還哥哥、嫂子的工錢，哥哥嫂子再也沒有別的儲蓄，隨着兒子、女兒長大，他們結婚、成家的大事，通過婆婆的叮囑，就責無旁貸落到我們身上）。

Even though she promised to pay us back in a few months, I knew it wasn’t up to her. We knew better than to ever expect that money back, and this proved to be correct. Years later, Fourth-sister’s family’s financial situation never improved. She didn’t dare come home for years, afraid she』d run into people who used to work with her husband wanting old wages paid. (It was only much later that I became aware of the true extent of the direct impact Fourth-sister’s family fate would have on our finances. Because they had no way to repay the money they owed to Elder Brother and Sister-in-law, Elder Brother was never able to save money again. With their son and daughter growing up, the burden of paying for things like marriages and starting a family all fell on our shoulders.)

四姐夫的破產，小妹妹的出家，直接碾碎了兩個家庭的希望，也波及到其他兄妹，尤其是哥哥一家，原本經濟基礎就相當脆弱，在五六年的勞務費泡湯後，更是毫無根基。自此以後，全家兄妹再也沒有像2006年春節那樣，有過真正的歡聚。以前還有妹妹幫着分擔家庭的重任，妹妹一走，我們就不得不承擔更多。

Fourth-sister’s bankruptcy and Little Sister’s entrance into religious life directly crushed two whole families, the effects of which then cascaded out to all the other siblings and their families—especially Elder Brother’s family, whose financial situation was tenuous to begin with. After five or six years his savings were completely exhausted, there was nothing left. Never again would everyone gather together like at that happy 2006 Spring Festival reunion. Little Sister used to help support the family financially, once she left, my family had to take on even more.

除此以外，隱匿於家庭暗處的悲傷隨處可見，我每次回到婆婆家，在和哥哥、嫂子或者大姐的聊天中，總能聽到一些讓人壓抑的事情。2013年年底，侄子和本縣一女孩網戀閃電結婚，哥哥嫂子極為高興。但女孩嫁過來後，總是和嫂子鬧彆扭，性格也極其怪癖，後來才得知，她的家境也極為不幸。

Though we tried to keep it hidden away in a dark corner, our family’s sadness was evident atevery turn. Each time I』d go back to my mother-in-law’s house, I』d always hear about more depressing things talking to Elder Brother and his wife. In late 2013, their son eloped with a girl from the same county he met online. Elder Brother and Sister-in-law were elated. But soon after the girl joined the family, there was a lot of tension between her and Sister-in-law. She had an extremely eccentric personality. Later, we found out about her extremely rough upbringing.